Remember when people used to eat fluffy white bread?
Okay, I don’t either, though I’m pretty sure it used to happen… bread was bread, Cheerios were Cheerios, and there was none of this whole-grain, multi-grain, 9-grain, extra fibrous, sunflower-seeds-in-my-crust nonsense. (Though I do love that nutty crunch).
But I guess it all makes sense. The Carbohydrate Community has, undoubtedly, had it rough since, over the past few decades, dieting has become the number one most (futilely) all-consuming obsession nationwide. The poor saps probably found themselves in a position not unlike that in which the Tobacco industry found itself once the word got out about the big C.
How can we spin this English muffin? …they probably asked themselves. What are we to do with these starch-white and suddenly stigmatized flour tortillas?
So, as follows, they turned their products cardboard-brown and put a lot of redundant buzzwords on the packaging.
This mass conversion from white to brown has caught on to such an extent that even Chipotle has had to follow suit. People are in there like a bunch of A-holes, peeling their foil off of brown burritos filled with brown rice, knee-deep in the self-righteousness that comes with complex carbohydrates and the lower levels of the food pyramid.
I have to ask, what difference has all this brown food made? As far as I know, the obesity epidemic is only getting worse, and it is probably, at least in part, due to the fact that people are, in the spirit of heart-healthfulness and under the guise of vague weight loss goals, buying Multigrain Cheerios instead of Honey Nut (the latter being sixteen times more delicious), then eating five times the serving size in pursuit of that elusive feeling – satisfaction.
And satisfaction can be elusive, now that most things taste like squirrel snacks.
But hey! At least they’re getting their recommended serving of Wholesome Whole Grains!!! I wonder… if you get an entire week’s supply of Whole Grains over the course of one exuberantly heart-healthy meal, can you return to white rice for the rest of the week? I’ll have to ask a nutritionist and get back to you about this, though I think the answer will be something along the lines of an irritated “well, no.”
And a quick word on all this fiber: If a semi-literate caveman meandered along the bread aisle of a Whole Foods, or even just a Safeway, he’d probably come to the conclusion that “fiber” is of vital importance, that it is a staple in our diet, a magically nourishing and life-promoting source of strength and health. But, let me tell you, I’ve overdone it with fiber, and the results were not positive; let’s just say that more than one Fiber One bar in a day has the complete opposite effect from what you might think…
… Which reminds me of a joke my grandparents have told me several times over, because they think it is hilarious (which it was… the first time):
Them: Have you seen the movie Constipation?
Me: (Sigh) No…
Them: (Gleefully) It hasn’t come out yet.