Category Archives: Lifeho

Maybe I’ll Get Seasonal Affective Disorder

As it happens, I’ve become relatively employed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m still scrambling for cash.  I’m working for free where it costs money to park… you do the math.

Oh no, I ask myself with grave concern, is my blog title now rendered inapplicable?

Well, I answer myself reasonably, perhaps, but I’m not changing it because then I would get fired, obviously, because that’s how things work, and then I would have to change it back.

Plus, I still don’t really feel employed.  I think that in order to really feel employed, you have to post something about the state and nature of your employment on Facebook, capped with a multitude of exclamation points and/or creatively hyphenated smiley faces, and fetch at least 16 likes.  I’m pretty sure.  (I’m also sure, despite what you may think, about my use of the word “fetch” in that sentence.)

Things happened very fast.  One day, I was sitting in my parents’ house in beautifully boring Newport Beach, counting down the hours (okay, days) until my next one-hour-long tutoring session [CHA-CHING], staring down Pebbles, our shamelessly black kitten, seriously considering the idea of blaming her for all my bad luck… and the next I am wiping raindrops off my glasses, wandering aimlessly around the streets of downtown Seattle, fearlessly fighting off bums and trying to come to terms with the fact that I just secured two, maybe three, jobs.

Clear skies are overrated
Clear skies are overrated

Maybe things are starting to work out.  Maybe whether or not things start to work out is actually, and entirely, under my own control.

Maybe I’ll get seasonal affective disorder.

Continue reading Maybe I’ll Get Seasonal Affective Disorder

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How to Make a Gingerbread WHAT

Yes, it’s 14 minutes.  And yes my head is cut off for a good portion of the video.  But it’s good for your soul.  And, of course, it’s highly informative.

Unleash Your Lifeho: Part Two

At airport security: Wear knee high boots and make someone pull them off for you. Wear as many chains and buckles and belts as possible. Keep your nipple rings in.

In the kitchen at 3am: Leftover Rice-A-Roni splats from the fridge onto the floor in big orange globs. Eat it with your fingers.

At the rim of the Grand Canyon: Say the word “jump” loudly and as many times as possible.

To be continued.

Lifeho Dilemma: What do you do when it’s 3am and you’re suddenly famished??

Well, if my behavior late last night is anything to go by, and seeing as how I am one of the two original lifehos, it most certainly is, here is the solution:

Get out of bed and walk past your male roommate’s room in your underwear – hopefully the door is closed and he’s fast asleep.  Lucky day! That seems to be the case.  But can you really be sure? After all, you neglected to put your glasses on and everything is a dark messy blur. Meh, that’s the least of your worries.

Continue walking into the kitchen.

You probably know that there is nothing good to eat.  Undoubtedly, you can mentally inventory the contents of the fridge – including the shriveling blueberries you keep meaning to throw out – as well as the contents of the pantry cabinets, which are way too high to reach anyways. Who designs a kitchen like this? Probably some shallow man with a small penis who intended to discourage the slightly shorter sex from having unlimited access to dry foods at the slightest whim of a craving. Your anger at this A-hole’s blatant ignorance and disrespect is enough to fuel a fiery, multi-paragraphed Yelp review… But we digress.

After contemplating the blueberries and a box of four-month old matzoh crackers, you venture into the realm of the unknown.  You get a fork and, squinting all the while, proceed to dive into two of your roommate’s unlabeled, and upon further inspection, stubbornly unidentifiable recent additions to the fridge community.

The first (edible?) item slumps in the corner of a small brown take-out box: see Exhibit A. You’ve noticed the box before, your roommate put it in there at least two or three days ago, and your curiosity as to its contents can no longer be restrained.  Plus, who are we kidding, you’re hungry and something must be done about it.  The thing in the box is yellow and shiny, a little crumbly, and has green specks scattered throughout.  Standing in front of the open fridge (Geneen Roth be damned!), you stab at it with your fork and take a few hurried bites.  As it turns out, not being able to tell what a food is even after having seen, smelled and tasted it is a little unsettling. A little gross.  Laughing to (at) yourself, you close the box and put it back. He’ll never know!

Exhibit A:

Image

Continue reading Lifeho Dilemma: What do you do when it’s 3am and you’re suddenly famished??

Unleash Your Lifeho: Part One

Being a lifeho is a state of mind.  You must view everything as potentially vulnerable to your innate, womanly prowess.  This prowess doesn’t have to be sexual – though of course, as an aspiring lifeho, you will be trained to maintain a rampant and insatiable libido.  But rather, you must understand that everything is yours. Yours for the taking. And any innocent bystanders who may be at risk of witnessing your ferocious spirit as it manifests itself in its most liberated form… can go fuck themselves.  Well, at any rate, they’re no longer of interest to you; their existences have shrank to mere blips on the radar of your ever-sharpening vision.  Because you see clearly now, you see what it is that separates you from them, and that is your womanly, voluptuous power…