How to Get a Beach Body

Step One: Have a body.

Step Two: Take it to the beach.


Hey Ladies, Special K Saves the Day!

Hey Ladies, Special K Saves the Day! (link)


Click the link above and watch this dumb commercial before reading 🙂

There are too many reasons why I hate this commercial!!!!  First of all… the idea that eating chocolate when you’re craving it at night will “undo your whole day.”  Because, of course, every self-respecting woman MUST be counting calories and basing the quality of her days on whether she can be “disciplined” enough to resist “bad” foods. And then, though they don’t say it, they’re suggesting that a woman craving chocolate before bed (a very real scenario) will both a.) eat only 1 recommended serving size of this cereal (who does that, EVER, a serving size is like the size of your fist), and b.) be satisfied afterwards; i.e.: “Gee whiz! My previously all-consuming chocolate craving has completely dissipated, thanks to the magically mini droplets of chocolate sprinkled throughout that handful of cereal I poured into a half-cup of skim milk!”
“The unguilty pleasure.” HA! What is more likely is that women trying to watch their weight will buy this, thinking it’s a healthier option, then eat the entire box in two days. And, finding it a poor substitute for what they’re truly craving, probably eat some Oreos afterwards. And proceed to feel like shit.

Thank you, Special K Chocolatey Delight, for helping to clarify your company’s target demographic – women. In other words, as you so cleverly illustrated, beings who are not allowed to trust their bodies and must maintain a strict regimen of disciplined eating and control of their outrageous, untrustworthy cravings in order to avoid guilt and shame.

Unleash Your Lifeho: Part One

Being a lifeho is a state of mind.  You must view everything as potentially vulnerable to your innate, womanly prowess.  This prowess doesn’t have to be sexual – though of course, as an aspiring lifeho, you will be trained to maintain a rampant and insatiable libido.  But rather, you must understand that everything is yours. Yours for the taking. And any innocent bystanders who may be at risk of witnessing your ferocious spirit as it manifests itself in its most liberated form… can go fuck themselves.  Well, at any rate, they’re no longer of interest to you; their existences have shrank to mere blips on the radar of your ever-sharpening vision.  Because you see clearly now, you see what it is that separates you from them, and that is your womanly, voluptuous power…

A Quasi-intelligent Humor blog

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