Tag Archives: satire

Eating Brown

Remember when people used to eat fluffy white bread?

Okay, I don’t either, though I’m pretty sure it used to happen… bread was bread, Cheerios were Cheerios, and there was none of this whole-grain, multi-grain, 9-grain, extra fibrous, sunflower-seeds-in-my-crust nonsense.  (Though I do love that nutty crunch).

But I guess it all makes sense.  The Carbohydrate Community has, undoubtedly, had it rough since, over the past few decades, dieting has become the number one most (futilely) all-consuming obsession nationwide.  The poor saps probably found themselves in a position not unlike that in which the Tobacco industry found itself once the word got out about the big C.

How can we spin this English muffin?  …they probably asked themselves.  What are we to do with these starch-white and suddenly stigmatized flour tortillas?

So, as follows, they turned their products cardboard-brown and put a lot of redundant buzzwords on the packaging.

No longer gold, the poor things
No longer gold, the poor things

This mass conversion from white to brown has caught on to such an extent that even Chipotle has had to follow suit.  People are in there like a bunch of A-holes, peeling their foil off of brown burritos filled with brown rice, knee-deep in the self-righteousness that comes with complex carbohydrates and the lower levels of the food pyramid.

I have to ask, what difference has all this brown food made? As far as I know, the obesity epidemic is only getting worse, and it is probably, at least in part, due to the fact that people are, in the spirit of heart-healthfulness and under the guise of vague weight loss goals, buying Multigrain Cheerios instead of Honey Nut (the latter being sixteen times more delicious), then eating five times the serving size in pursuit of that elusive feeling – satisfaction.

And satisfaction can be elusive, now that most things taste like squirrel snacks.

But hey! At least they’re getting their recommended serving of Wholesome Whole Grains!!! I wonder… if you get an entire week’s supply of Whole Grains over the course of one exuberantly heart-healthy meal, can you return to white rice for the rest of the week?  I’ll have to ask a nutritionist and get back to you about this, though I think the answer will be something along the lines of an irritated “well, no.”

And a quick word on all this fiber: If a semi-literate caveman meandered along the bread aisle of a Whole Foods, or even just a Safeway, he’d probably come to the conclusion that “fiber” is of vital importance, that it is a staple in our diet, a magically nourishing and life-promoting source of strength and health.  But, let me tell you, I’ve overdone it with fiber, and the results were not positive; let’s just say that more than one Fiber One bar in a day has the complete opposite effect from what you might think…

… Which reminds me of a joke my grandparents have told me several times over, because they think it is hilarious (which it was… the first time):

Them: Have you seen the movie Constipation?

Me: (Sigh) No…

Them: (Gleefully) It hasn’t come out yet.

Girl Unable to Stomach Hot Tea without the Life-Affirming Quotes

Early this morning, after switching on the water heater and picking out her favorite bowl-sized mug, Alika was astonished to find that the label on her tea bag was missing an inspirational quote.

“It was just like any other morning before my 6:30am Vinyasa Flow.  I had already done my hair into a fishtail braid, and I was about halfway through my Greek yogurt when I discovered that the mango black tea bag label was completely blank.  I was at a loss.”

Sources say she was unable to go through with the steeping, and, as she spent the next few minutes tearing open every tea bag in the box in a frenzied fury of disbelief, the heated water cooled before even being poured.  The extent of her severe bewilderment caused her to be only three minutes early to yoga, rather than the usual fifteen, which meant she had no choice but to set up her mat in a dark corner of the room where she couldn’t satisfyingly showcase her magnificent downward-facing dog.

This incident can be traced back to Alika’s daring venture to save a buck or two, when she recently made the switch to Safeway store-brand tea.

“I knew I was sacrificing some degree of quality when I gave up my usual Yogi brand tea bags, but I could never have imagined that would extend to the quotes.  The quotes are an integral part of the modern tea-drinking experience.”

Alika is doing her best to move past the devastation of this morning, holding on to the lingering memory of a recent quote printed one of her last Yogi tea bags: “Nothing is too great to overcome.”

teabags

(Okay, I know, but the Onion doesn’t OWN news parody…)

Scientific Evidence that Grinding is the Worst

grinding1

So, we all know that sociology is the science of assigning fancy names to things that everyone has already noticed but thought unworthy of naming.

For example, take Post-Purchase Rationalization.  This phenomenon is defined by Wikipedia as a “cognitive bias whereby someone who purchases an expensive product or service overlooks any faults or defects in order to justify their purchase.”  Also known as Buyer’s Stockholm Syndrome (really?), this epidemic has apparently afflicted secretly remorseful shoppers everywhere.

I mean, duh.  Anyone leaving Whole Foods with his or her reusable bag slightly heavier experiences some degree of Post-Purchase Rationalization.  As in: I don’t feel guilty.  I’m GLAD I spent $14.99 on raw sprouted macadamia nut butter.  It is so natural, no animals came anywhere near it, and I am desperately lacking in omegas.  I can’t wait to carve into it with the bejeweled knife I bought at Anthropologie and spread it on some gluten-free soy crisps.  Also I’m saving the earth with this reusable bag.  

But enough about PPR.  I would like to turn the focus to a different sociological phenomenon, which is so eloquently dubbed Pluralistic Ignorance.  It is best illustrated by an example:

At the end of class, a professor asks if anyone is confused about her dense, rambling and disorganized lecture on the irregular conjugations of ser in the past perfect subjunctive, and she gets crickets in response.  Despite the silence, which seems to indicate collective and complete understanding, however, everyone is confused.  But since everyone thinks everyone else is on top of their shit, no one speaks up.

Get it?  It’s basically when everyone does something because everyone thinks everyone else wants to be doing it, but really no one wants to be doing it.

Keep this in mind while I start talking about something else now.

I couldn’t even begin to give you an accurate estimate of the number of times I have found myself on some dark, sweaty dance floor, lost in a sea of gyrating body parts.

Because everybody loves to grind.

boomchickaboomchickaboomchicka
boomchickaboomchickaboomchicka

Especially this guy Tim (false name, never know), a golfer from Yale, who began to grind with me one fateful night at Princeton.  He was kinda cute and freckly, so when he pressed his front against my back and started to bend his knees and sway to the beat, I figured what the hell.  So I got low… like in that rap song! Ya know??

Eighteen seconds later, my thighs were screaming.  That was to be expected – the price of the grind, if you will.  But then something unexpected happened.  With his hands on my hips – I suppose that’s our modern take on “leading” – and with his left foot as our anchor, he started to maneuver our bodies into a rather dizzying, continuous pivot.

We grinded (ground?) in circles.

He might have intended to keep circling, round and round, chasing ever-elusive tails, for hours… eternities, for all I know… had I not started making desperate, wild hand gestures and exaggerated grimaces at some friends nearby.  The universal signal for “grab my arm and pull me away from this hellish wall-sit-meets-merry-go-round.”

Continue reading Scientific Evidence that Grinding is the Worst