Early this morning, after switching on the water heater and picking out her favorite bowl-sized mug, Alika was astonished to find that the label on her tea bag was missing an inspirational quote.
“It was just like any other morning before my 6:30am Vinyasa Flow. I had already done my hair into a fishtail braid, and I was about halfway through my Greek yogurt when I discovered that the mango black tea bag label was completely blank. I was at a loss.”
Sources say she was unable to go through with the steeping, and, as she spent the next few minutes tearing open every tea bag in the box in a frenzied fury of disbelief, the heated water cooled before even being poured. The extent of her severe bewilderment caused her to be only three minutes early to yoga, rather than the usual fifteen, which meant she had no choice but to set up her mat in a dark corner of the room where she couldn’t satisfyingly showcase her magnificent downward-facing dog.
This incident can be traced back to Alika’s daring venture to save a buck or two, when she recently made the switch to Safeway store-brand tea.
“I knew I was sacrificing some degree of quality when I gave up my usual Yogi brand tea bags, but I could never have imagined that would extend to the quotes. The quotes are an integral part of the modern tea-drinking experience.”
Alika is doing her best to move past the devastation of this morning, holding on to the lingering memory of a recent quote printed one of her last Yogi tea bags: “Nothing is too great to overcome.”
(Okay, I know, but the Onion doesn’t OWN news parody…)
Staring at the absurdly overstocked and overwhelmingly expansive refrigerated beverage section of Whole Foods (or really any section of the store, for that matter) is kind of like waiting at a red light. In both situations, all brain activity ceases and the eyes glaze over, to the extent that if someone were to peer deeply into them, he or she would find only Hi-Def images of wildlife drifting lazily over a black backdrop. Adding to that, if you were to somehow total the number of minutes of your short, sweet life you have spent thus far idling uselessly in either situation, you would feel slightly nauseated, and possibly bitter. Because that is time you could have better spent napping, or perhaps refining your dental hygiene.
Simply put, Whole Foods offers far too many choices. And from an evolutionary standpoint, it really doesn’t make much sense. If a dinosaur, instead of instinctively targeting the lagging runt of a buffalo herd for an afternoon snack, found himself (okay okay – “or herself” – chill out undergraduate population of UC Santa Cruz) suddenly in the flourescently-lit presence of five thousand different varieties of freshly slaughtered buffalo, all readily prepared and available for the taking… barbecued buffalo legs, organic teriyaki buffalo brains, tofu-based bluffalo tongue (for those lesser known Triassic Vegans)… he would probably just keel right over and promptly go extinct from the sheer pressure of such excessively needless decision-making.
But the thing is, once you go Whole Foods, it’s hard to go back. You no longer have to settle for standard Safeway brand boring old flaxseed (if there is such a thing), because here, there are options! Endless options! Do you prefer your (obviously Organic) flaxseed Omega-3 infused, or cold milled with added fiber? Do you like it ground or whole? Would you like to shit your pants immediately after breakfast, or later in the afternoon? (I mean, really, isn’t that what it all comes down to?) Continue reading On Electrolytes and Unhappiness